“I’m Never Going To Stop Talking About Fanny.”

“I’m never going to stop talking about fanny.” 

These words seem to tumble out of my mouth pretty much every week, but it’s true. I shall never stop going on and on about vaginas, or penises for that matter. Nowadays when people see me, they don’t ask me how I am or how the acting is going, it’s all about my vagina! (That just shows how much I go on about it) but how nice is that? I think that’s lovely. We should be asking one another more frequently how each other’s genitals are doing. Are they well? Have they had any recent catastrophes? Do they need any help? Then we could banish that stupid abbreviation, ‘TMI’ from the English language.

This little train of thought is part of my ongoing, never ending, very frank, open, honest, sometimes gory, frustrating, glorious and certainly not everyone’s cup of tea, vagina mission.

Don’t stop me now, I’m having such a good time, I’m having a BALL!

 

Right. I know what you’re all thinking; I can’t just stroll back into your lives like that allusive, chiselled lover who never texts you back and you want to forget about. I know, I know, I know I’m sorry. I’m walking back into your life unannounced and still as inconsistent as ever, but I do still like you I promise! I’ve not been neglecting you for somebody else, I’d never do that baby, you gotta believe me… That would only happen if Beyonce called and asked me to be her live in nanny, then you really would never hear from me again. Boy bye. 

Anyway, bloody hell Soph get to the point. Here is a little update on what’s been goin’ on, hence my slight neglect over here on the blog. Mainly hospital appointments and fanny admin but I’ve also been cooking up a few project ideas with some fellow vagina babes and all round creative goddesses and that’s something to celebrate! I also understand that some of you probably don’t care and that’s completely fine, but if you do…  

  • I went back to the gynae clinic and had my follow up colposcopy appointment after more abnormal results cropped up on my smear test. I was, as always, a nervous wreck leading up to my appointment and no amount of mindfulness or yoga was working. It’s my own fault, I’m a self diagnosed over-thinker. But actually, I was pleasantly surprised by my recent trip down gynae lane. After a small cry in the lift up to the ward, I had the world’s loveliest, no sh*t, no nonsense nurse who lifted me up off the floor and told me I had nothing to worry about. And for the first time ever, I believed her. She examined the abnormal cells, told me to pop my knickers back on and to come back in a year as she thinks these pesky cells will have chilled out by then. There was no “oh, this looks a bit worrying”. No biopsies. No “come back in July for another look just to be safe”. So yay, thank you vagina gods! Now if you could just keep looking over me for the next year that would be grand too! 

 

  • I took my first ever pregnancy test. They’re a bit terrifying aren’t they?! I weed into a cardboard pot, filled it up to the very top even after telling the nurse I’d just been for one and wouldn’t be able to get anything out. 

 

  • I wrote a blog post (that I was really proud of) talking about smear test results, abnormalities, the HPV virus etc etc. I had all the facts and figures, it was beautifully colour coded ready to go in my drafts and then I deleted it by accident. Thanks Mum for giving me your technology incompetence gene.

However, in hindsight it was probably way too long and ain’t nobody got time to read all of that, so it will be a dedicated podcast episode instead… 

 

  • THE PODCAST! The podcast which you probably think is never going to happen, but IT IS! IT IS, I can assure you. I’m currently recording what will hopefully be a little podcast for your ears, how exciting! I’m not doing it alone either, I’ve managed to rope in one of my best pals and we’re just finding our groove at the moment e.g spending hours chatting (about things we know nothing about) into a microphone. The podcast itself is not about vaginas so for those of you who have had more than enough fanny talk, you will be safe to listen if you so wish. But there will be special ‘GASH GOSSIP’ EPISODES! Yippee!

Coming soon to (hopefully an accessible, legal) platform (that isn’t going to give your device a million viruses) near you! 

 

  • I have come off the contraceptive pill. Woop woop! For the first time in 10 years, I am minus a couple of extra hormones and I feel foocking fantastic. Again, another reason to get this podcast up and running because there’s so much positive stuff to say on my pill-free experience so far. 

 

  • Whilst not writing here on the blog, I’ve been exhausting my Gmail with email after email in order to connect with some fab vagina crusaders out there. The most exciting person I’ve been harassing is Karen Hobbs, who you might have heard me bang on about before. She is a comedian, writer and ‘Info Babe’ at the Eve Appeal. Most recently she appeared in the C4 documentary, ‘100 Vaginas’ and she’s a full time smasher of all the stigmas surrounding gynaecological cancers. We’ll be doing a recorded episode with Karen about her journey to ultimate ‘vagina babe’ status and how/why she got there. This will involve some of my ramblings on the HPV virus – something that Karen knows a lot about and I think it will be really useful for everyone to soak up her wisdom.

 

  • I brought a coffee table for £15. Nothing to do with vaginas, but what an absolute bargain?! 

 

  • And finally, I’ve been thinking: “What can I be doing to get more education on vagina health out there in to the world, as well as over here on my beloved blog?” There needs to be more information on subjects such as HPV, how HPV effects the cells in the cervix (and other parts of the body too) and why abnormalities aren’t as scary as one may think. There should be more education on cervical screenings, gentling introducing the subject way before the first “invitation” arrives. Let’s just give the people out there with little to no knowledge on their vulva, vagina, cervix, womb, clitoris, flaps, bits, everything between your legs, some more bloody information! 

Because where is the line between too much information and not enough? 

IS THERE ONE?!

 

I don’t know. All I know is that the info I’ve accumulated over the last two years from doctors, nurses, consultants, women’s health charities and women’s health campaigners is essential information that everyone with a vulva deserves to hear, read, know.

I had to chase it to know it but knowing it already would change the way our health system works. It would change the education system. It would mean the difference between preventative and reactive medical care. It would help to prevent catastrophes happening to our genitals. It would mean that women were more confident and less afraid of their intimate health. It would mean we would be taken seriously at our appointments. It would mean less worrying and more control as we would be armed with the knowledge that we need

And knowledge is power. 

That’s my vagina mission.  

Soph xx

If you would like to join said mission please do drop me a message and join in the party, the more the merrier!

 

 

 

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