Hormones 1, Me 0.

This is something I wrote a while back during the ‘month from the fire-y flames of hell‘.  I was reminded it was still in my drafts after a recent run in with hormones and an unexpected period. Everything pretty much still applies. Hormones happen. Every day. And every month, they get multiplied by 1000. Enjoy.
– Sophie x

“A hormonal mess? Me? No. I’m not. I’m not. Nope. Never! How dare you say something so rude and quite frankly insensitive. Am I coming on my period? Oh boy, you just keep digging, don’t you? Am I coming on my period? Well let’s see, judging from the huge white head on my chin, that also appears to be sprouting a thin black hair, the uncontrollable tears, bloating, constipation and need for affection I would say yes. YES, FOR A MATTER OF FACT. YES. I. AM. 

(Beat)

It’s just because I’m a woman isn’t it? My low mood means I must be menstruating mustn’t it? Because all women who aren’t smiling must be on the rag! Is that it? I’m a feminist you know. A REALLY STRONG, FEM…*starts crying* I’m not finished with you yet, I just need to go and cry for a little bit because it’s true, I am a hormonal mess. 

“There is not enough willpower to push through a hormone imbalance, your hormones will always win.” – Said someone once. 

Hello my name is Sophie and I have been bleeding for 4 weeks, so far. The other day I cried because my boyfriend had his arm around another woman in a photo, my pad was stuck to my leg instead of my pants and I am just one big walking hormonal catastrophe. There I’ve said it. And what I’ve learnt recently is that it is completely okay to admit that. You know what, no I’m not great today, I’m feeling particularly hormonal, teary and I just need some space and Friends on Netflix. Sure, you might be able to tell I am coming on my period or that it is currently in motion, but that doesn’t actually bother me because I can still do everything you can, whilst bleeding. 

Saying that, this has to be the worst period I have had since I was 16. Having not taken my normal break from the pill after my surgery, I knew it was going to be a messy one. On doctor’s advice I continued taking the pill for an extra month. I know this is completely normal for some women as this is one of the positives of the contraceptive, you don’t have to have a period every month. However, I have always chosen to. I will admit that this is mainly to make sure it works and I’m not growing a baby but also because to me, my period is natural and without one, my body goes into meltdown. So having bled for 3 weeks post surgery, I’ve just entered my 4th week of bleeding, this time it’s my period and boy oh boy… I’ve been bad.
Hormones

I’m an emotional person anyway, pretty sensitive, love to let it all out but good god, it’s like I have been watching the dog die in Marley & Me on repeat. If I don’t let the tears out at least once a day, my ducts would probably explode and I would die. So I don’t have much of a choice. I wake up, sit up, cry. Shower. Cry. Get to work. Cry. Customer says something flippant and irritating. Cry. Look at the blood in my pants. Cry. Tube. Cry. Bus. Cry. Bed. Cry. You get the picture. I know, it sounds really sad. Most of the time I don’t even know what I am crying about. I just know I am sad. Then I cry because I think, oh I’m a sad person, I don’t want to be a sad person, this is so shit. Cry. Yay for the cry cycle! 

Another thing that has made this experience all the more joyful has been the sanitary pads. I am usually a tampon user. I’m sorry, I should be using moon-cups I know. But the thought of being in a public place and spilling it all over me in an attempt to get it out terrifies me. I’ll try it at some point, but I can’t promise a miraculous conversion. I’m definitely not convinced on pads either. I’ve been using them since my surgery (as I haven’t been able to use tampons) and I have the leakage fear every hour. Of course it’s whatever works for you and whatever is going to make you feel the most comfortable during your 5-7 day trip to hell. Tampons do it for me. They keep it all up there out of sight! Out of sight out of mind. Plus my pants are not suitable for pads. I had to take a trip to Primark, buy the largest pants that give camel toe galore and took away any dignity I had left. (Sophie talking in the present day, “I have since thrown these pants in the bin. Ugly cretin pants!”)

I just cannot put into words, without a lot of bad language, how horrible this menstruation has been. The emotional instability, the incomprehensible phone calls to BAE, the bloody knickers, the pains deep in my womb and the constant churning of vital organs. It is a miracle I  have lived to tell the tale. Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but it has been les miserables. How many of you experience a period like this, but every bleedin’ month?

However, on a positive note it has made me think about how great us vagina wearers are. We go to work, teach, save people’s lives, bring new life into the world, compete, debate, run for trains, nod when a customer is wrong whilst bleeding, cramping and doubling over in pain. When really we wish we were at home in a hot bath or our beds, preparing to do it all again the next day. We’re incredible. And so, whilst trying to maintain our positive attitudes and complete daily duties, we do sometimes feel the need to get emotional, angry, frustrated and sometimes a little impatient to be honest… given the circumstances, I think that’s fine. Completely fine. 

So let the hormones win! They make us human. They give us drive and determination as well as running mascara and cravings for Dominoes cookies. They make us different. Powerful. I love my hormones. I’d be nothing without them. I love my period and I bloody love being a woman.

Well.. I’ll let you know if I still feel the same in 2 weeks time when the red sea parts once more.

– Written some time in August.


Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this bonus post. It’s nearing the end of 2018, the year I started Gash Gossip and started sorting out my vagina woes. I want to continue sharing the fanny love well in to the next year and the year after that. Sharing more stories and helping more ladies book that appointment they’ve been meaning to with the hashtag, #GashTag.
Share something funny, serious, a question, whatever you want on Twitter or Instagram and use the #GashTag. Support each other and give each other the same love you’ve given me. Because without all of your support, I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this. When someone is going through something scary, and they’re in the waiting room at their hospital appointment, there is nothing better than receiving a message or a heart emoji from a friend. Or even a stranger. Coming from a gal who knows.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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